PDF Download He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys, by Greg Behrendt Liz Tuccillo

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He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys, by Greg Behrendt Liz Tuccillo

PDF Download He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys, by Greg Behrendt Liz Tuccillo

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About the Author

Comedian Greg Behrendt was a consultant for three consecutive seasons on Sex and the City. His acclaimed stand-up comedy has been seen on HBO, Comedy Central Presents..., The Tonight Show, Late Show with David Letterman, and Late Night with Conan O'Brien. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter.Liz Tuccillo was an executive story editor of HBO's Emmy-winning Sex and the City and has also written for Off Broadway. She is currently living and dating in New York City.

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Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

He’s Just Not That Into You he’s just not that into you if he’s not asking you out Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out Many women have said to me, “Greg, men run the world.” Wow. That makes us sound pretty capable. So tell me, why would you think we could be incapable of something as simple as picking up the phone and asking you out? You seem to think at times that we’re “too shy” or we “just got out of something.” Let me remind you: Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. (Particularly after a difficult day of running the world.) If we want you, we will find you. If you don’t think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half. Now you begin the life-changing experience of reading our book. We have put the stories we have heard and questions we’ve been asked in a simple question-and-answer format. If you’re lucky, you’ll read the following questions and know what they are: Excuses that women have made for their unsatisfying situations. If you’re not so lucky, we’ve also included handy titles to clue you in. The “Maybe He Doesn’t Want to Ruin the Friendship” ExcuseDear Greg, I’m so disappointed. I have this friend that I’ve known platonically for about ten years. He lives in a different city and recently he was in town for work, so we met for dinner. All of a sudden it felt like we were on a date. He was completely flirting with me. He even said to me, as he was checking me out, “So, what, you’re working the whole ‘model thing’ now?” (That’s flirting, right?) We both agreed that we should get together again soon. Well, Greg, I’m disappointed because it’s been two weeks and he hasn’t called me. Can I call him? He might be nervous about turning the friendship into romance. Can’t I give him a nudge now? Isn’t that what friends are for? JodiFROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Friendly Girl, Two weeks is two weeks, except when it’s ten years and two weeks. That’s how long ago he decided whether or not he could date a model or a girl who looks like one. Can you be a pal and give him a nudge? Nudge away, friendster—but watch how fast that nudge doesn’t get a return phone call. And if your dinner/date did feel different to him, it’s been two weeks and he’s had time to think about it and decide he’s just not that into you. Here’s the truth: Guys don’t mind messing up a friendship if it could lead to sex, whether it be a “fuck buddy” situation or a meaningful romance. Go find someone that lives in your zip code who will be rocked to the core by your deep conversation and model looks.I hate to tell you, but that whole “I don’t want to ruin the friendship” excuse is a racket. It works so well because it seems so wise. Sex could mess up a friendship. Unfortunately, in the entire history of mankind, that excuse has never ever been used by someone who actually means it. If we’re really excited about someone, we can’t stop ourselves—we want more. If we’re friends with someone and attracted to them, we’re going to want to take it further. And please, don’t tell me he’s just “scared.” The only thing he’s scared of—and I say this with a lot of love—is how not attracted to you he is. The “Maybe He’s Intimidated by Me” ExcuseDear Greg, I have a crush on my gardener. He’s been potting the plants on my patio. It was hot, I saw him without his shirt on, he was hot, and now I’m hot for him. I brought out some beers and we talked. I think he wants to ask me out but is afraid, because he is my hired man. In this situation, can’t I ask him out? CherieFROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear My Secret Garden, He’s capable of asking you out. Haven’t you ever seen a porno? Hope he gets there before the pizza guy. But seriously, if he didn’t pick up the vibe after the beer garden, it has nothing to do with you being his big boss lady. Time to stop and smell the bad news: He’s just not that into you.Let me say it again, sexual harassment rules and workplace memos notwithstanding, a guy will ask out a woman of higher status if he’s into her. He might need a little more encouragement than normal, I’ll give you that. You might have to lead Johnny the Office Boy or Phillipe the Exterminator to water, but you better not help him ask you out. Once again, ladies, a wink and a smile will do it. By the way, why are you dating the exterminator? Just kidding, he’s a good guy. The “Maybe He Wants to Take It Slow” ExcuseDear Greg, There’s this guy who calls me all the time. He’s recently divorced, and in AA. We got back in touch recently, had lots of phone calls, and then hung out twice in one week and it was real cool. No flirting or making out or anything, but fun. Since then, he calls me all the time but doesn’t ever suggest we see each other in person again. It’s like he got scared or something. I would understand if because of the divorce/alcoholic/starting-a-whole-new-life stuff he wanted to take things slow. But he still calls me all the time to have long heart-to-heart talks. What the hell should I do with this guy? JenFROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Pillow Talk, Sadly, not wanting to see you in person is massive as far as dating obstacles go. And as far as the recently divorced/newly sober/starting-a-new-life parts, blah blah blah, I’m getting sleepy, it’s hot, I’m going down for a nap. When I wake up from that nap I’ll probably thrill to the news that your friend is taking control of his life. You, however, will still not be going on a date, because despite all your excuses for him, he’s still not asking you out. Now, if you’re a person who enjoys a slightly satisfying phone relationship, talk on! But at this point it seems like he’s just not that into you. Be his friend if you’re at all interested on that level, but move your romantic inclinations onto a more suitable future husband.If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’t get frustrated and go away. The “But He Gave Me His Number” ExcuseDear Greg, I met a really cute guy at a bar this week. He gave me his number and told me to give him a call sometime. I thought that was kind of cool, that he gave me control of the situation like that. I can call him, right? LaurenFROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Control Freak, Did he give you control, or did he just get you to do the heavy lifting? What he just did was a magic trick: It seems like he gave you control, but really he now gets to decide if he wants to go out with you—or even return your call. Why don’t you take Copperfield’s number, roll it in a newspaper, pour milk in it, and make it disappear.“Give me a call.” “E-mail me.” “Tell Joey we should all hang out sometime.” Don’t let him trick you into asking him out. When men want you, they do the work. I know it sounds old school, but when men like women, they ask them out. The “Maybe He Forgot to Remember Me” ExcuseDear Greg, Okay, Greg. Listen to this one: I was at a conference for work and met a guy from another branch of my company. We hit it off immediately. He was just about to ask for my number, I swear, when the Big Blackout of 2003 happened. In the mayhem, I didn’t get to give him my number. I think the Big Blackout of 2003 is a good enough excuse to call him, don’t you think? It’s only common courtesy for me to check up on him, right? If I don’t call, he’s probably going to be all sad thinking that I’m just not that into him. JudyFROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Judy Blackout, The city blacked out. He didn’t. You said you work for different branches of the same company. Certainly he wouldn’t have to break a sweat to scroll through the company staff roster or interoffice e-mail listing to find you. And should he not be as resourceful as you are . . . I imagine that he has a mother, sister, or female friend that could show him how, if he was really interested. P.S.: Shame on you for using an eastern seaboard disaster as an excuse to call a guy up.Have faith. You made an impression. Leave it at that. If he likes you, he’ll still remember you after the tsunami, flood, or Red Sox loss. If he doesn’t, he’s not worth your time. Know why? You are great. (Now, don’t get cocky.) The “Maybe I Don’t Want to Play Games” ExcuseDear Greg, This is dumb. I know you’re not supposed to call guys, but I call guys all the time because I don’t care! I don’t want to play games. I do whatever I want! I’ve called guys tons of times. You’re such a square, Greg. Why do you think we can’t call guys and ask them out? NikkiFROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Nikki, Because we don’t like it. Okay, some guys might like it, but they’re just lazy. And who wants to go out with Lazy Guy? It’s that simple. I didn’t make the rules and I might not even agree with them. Please don’t be mad at me, Nikki. I’m not advocating that women go back to the Stone Age. I just think you might want to be realistic in how capable you are of changing the primordial impulses that drive all of human nature. Or maybe you’re the chosen one.Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. We know there was a sexual revolution. (We loved it.) We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving children—sometimes all at the same time. That, however, doesn’t make men different. IT’S SO SIMPLE Imagine right now that I’m leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I’m on my knees pleading with you. I’m saying this in a loud voice: “Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you’d like us to be.” I know it’s an infuriating concept—that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It’s insulting. It’s frustrating. It’s unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he’s just not that into you. (And we want you to believe you’re one of the nine, ladies!) I can’t say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out. HERE’S WHY THIS ONE IS HARD, by Liz Well, it’s obvious. Are you telling us that we have to just sit around and wait? I don’t know about you, but I find that infuriating. I was brought up to believe that hard work and good planning are the keys to making your dreams come true. I spent my life making things happen for myself. I worked hard for my career, and was quite aggressive about it. I called people, made appointments, asked for favors. I took action. But now Greg is telling us that in this situation, we are supposed to do absolutely nothing. The guys get to pick. We’re just supposed to put on our little dresses and do our hair and bat our eyes and hope they choose us. Why don’t you just tie my corset too tight so I can faint in front of some man who’ll scoop me out of the way just before the horse-drawn carriage runs over me? That’ll get his attention. Really, in this day and age, the hardest thing to do for many women, particularly me, is nothing. We like to scheme, make phone calls, have a plan. And I’m talking about more than just making sure our hair doesn’t frizz. Most women who date, I would guess, don’t have men throwing themselves at them every night of the week. Sometimes there’s a long stretch during which nobody’s asking us out. So when we see a guy that we feel might be a romantic possibility, it’s even harder for us to take a backseat. That opportunity might not come back again for a long time. But guess what: My way? Has sucked. Hasn’t worked at all. I’ve never had a successful relationship with a guy that I’ve pursued. I’m sure there are many stories out there to the contrary. But for me, those guys end up getting back together with their ex-girlfriend, needing to take some time for themselves, or going out of town for business. Usually it doesn’t even get that far. They usually just don’t ever return my phone call. And let me tell you, that didn’t make me feel very in control of anything. Since I’ve been implementing Greg’s handy-dandy “he’s just not that into you” philosophy, I’ve been feeling surprisingly more powerful. Because if the men are asking you out, if the men have to get your attention, then you, in fact, are the one in control. There’s no scheming and plotting. And there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn’t ever feel like I’m just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it’s good for us all to remember that we don’t need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out. We’re fantastic. THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE, by Greg One night I was drinking in a bar and flirting with the bartender. I asked for her number. She said, “I don’t give out my phone number because guys rarely call me when they say they’re going to. My name is Lindsey Adams, and if you want to call me, find my phone number.” Which I did—the very next day. Do you know how many Lindsey Adams there are in the phone book of a major city? Let’s just say I talked to about eight or nine before I found mine. An actor we work with met a girl while he was making a public appearance on an aircraft carrier. He lost track of her in about ten minutes. And yet, because he was so smitten, he somehow managed to track her down in the army, and they are now married. GREG, I GET IT! By Leslie, age 29 Greg! I get it. I went to this party and I met this guy. We started talking immediately by ourselves, off in a corner. He asked if I was single and seemed pleased when I said I was. Whenever we split up to talk to other people, or to get drinks or whatever, he always kept his eye on me. It was really cool. I was all excited and fluttery with that “Oh my God, I think I just met someone!” feeling. He didn’t ask for my number, but we know lots of people in common, so I thought he was just playing it cool. He never called me! And you know what? Normally I would call our mutual friends and start fishing and trying to figure out what happened and maybe try to find another way to see him again. But instead, I’m just going to move on! Who cares what his deal is. He’s not asking me out, so why should I start obsessing over him? I’m just going to go out tonight and try to meet someone else.IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG We did an incredibly unscientific poll where we polled twenty of our male friends (ranging from ages twenty-six to forty-five), who are in serious long-term relationships. Not one of their relationships started with the woman asking them out first. One guy even said that if she had, “It would have spoiled all the fun.”What You Should Have Learned in This Chapter ✓ An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of “ruining the friendship.” ✓ Don’t get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he’ll do the asking. ✓ If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will. ✓ Just because you like to lead doesn’t mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason. ✓ “Hey, let’s meet at so-and-so’s party/any bar/friend’s house” is not a date. Even if you live in New York. ✓ Men don’t forget how much they like you. So put down the phone. ✓ You are good enough to be asked out. Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook Hey, what’s a self-help tome without a workbook? Our chapters will all be so brave and wise that we want to make sure you retain as much of the brilliance as you can. So for all of you who feel the need to get out of your problems and into your crayon box, have at it. Love, Greg and Liz Remember in grade school how they told you not to write in your textbooks? Screw that! Grab a pen and list five reasons why you think you have every right or good reason to call him. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Put the book aside and wait an hour. Or at least ten minutes. Then ask yourself: Do I seem pathetic? Do I sound like someone who doesn’t trust my own innate hotness? Yes, you do! Now put your dialing finger away, get out of the house, and go find some fun. P.S.: You just did a workbook exercise about a guy who hasn’t even extended to you the energy of a phone call. Why would you want to chase that down?

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Product details

Paperback: 208 pages

Publisher: Gallery Books; Reprint edition (January 6, 2009)

Language: English

ISBN-10: 9781416909774

ISBN-13: 978-1416909774

ASIN: 141690977X

Product Dimensions:

5.5 x 0.5 x 8.2 inches

Shipping Weight: 6.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)

Average Customer Review:

4.4 out of 5 stars

1,577 customer reviews

Amazon Best Sellers Rank:

#10,045 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

if I read this 10 years ago, I never would have gotten married. So there's that.Save yourself from terrible mistakes.

You've probably told yourself all of this stuff before, but seeing it in writing really brings it home. I feel like this book has changed my entire perspective on dating and when I feel like there's any inkling of a guy "not being that into me", I quickly end the communication. No point wasting our time!I've had some push back from male friends who I explained this to and they said I can't base life off of a book written by people who can't know how EVERY single guy thinks, but the reality is that if the guy doesn't think the way I do about this--I don't want him!On the same token, I've had some male friends who agreed that what's stated is true: if a man wants a woman, he goes and gets her!If he is really that into you, you will know.There will be no doubting or questioning.This book just reaffirmed my inner voice that was telling me this kind of stuff but I always brushed aside in hopeless romantic style.Not anymore!If you're not that into me--bye!

I first read this when I was "head over heals" for a guy who was to "busy" for me. I was waiting for him to have time. The guy even read the book and did not like Greg at all. It took a couple of years to emotionally realize that this guy was just not that into me.I spent a couple more years pursuing my interests and just being friends with guys...staying open. To my surprise I met an amazing new guy who has a busy job but always makes time for me. I met him doing what I love most ... dancing! We share the same interest. There are no games. He is thrilled to be with me. He is very good looking, very humorous, younger than me and we share the same values. He even lives near my extended family. He wants to spend his life with me and I want that too. I just reread Greg's advice. I think he is right on. Don't waste the pretty on guys that don't deserve you. I don't know if there is a guy out there for every woman ... But I would rather be alone than with a guy who is not that into me!I

Move over diamonds, Greg Behrendt is a girl's new best friend. This book is hilarious and its humor will turn off any yearning for the man you thought was "into you" but not heard from in a while. (The book also gives women permission--and courage--to dump a man without feeling guilty.) The sad truth took a while to sink in that if a man really wants a particular woman, he'll move mountains to be with her. After reading this book I became very curious as to why men are sometimes so fickle--show interest in a woman then back off. This led me to delve into Dr Pat Allen's books and read John Gray's books ie Men are from Mars.... I have also found more in-depth answers--the psychological reasons why--in Robert Moore's King, Warrior, Magician, Lover.

Every straight woman should be required to read this book when she turns 18 (if not earlier). The advice to make men do the asking is a bit antiquated, I think, and the advice is really only relevant to male-female couples, but the message behind the rest of the book is solid. If I would have read this years ago, I would have wasted so much less time in dead-end relationships, or pining after some dude that I kept making excuses for. It's harsh, and you may or may not go through some of the 5 stages of grief while reading it, but you'll be a better person for realizing he's just not that into you. One of the best purchases I have ever made.

As someone in my 60's with a good amount of life experience, I think this is a book with a very important message for girls/women from ages 12-85.I read the book in a couple hours. For someone younger it might take 4-5 hours. I haven't rated the book five stars because it's a literary masterpiece, but because of its most important and clear message, with lots and lots of good examples.The important message in this book is about how guys think and what they really mean when they say particular things.I would have benefited from reading this book when I was younger, and if EVERY young woman read this book it would save many of them needless hours of heartache.

I've spent my whole life making excuses for men and sacrificing my well being, my boundaries, and my self worth for men who were not into me. I've never been in a proper relationship, so my standards were low to nonexistent. I honestly had no idea what I was doing wrong to "sabotage" the relationship and felt there was something I was doing wrong and committing the same fatal mistake over and over. In reality, they were just into me in the first place or even if they were initially, I acted like it was ok to treat me like dirt, which kills any kind of attraction as confidence is sexy. Now, after reading your book I know what to look for and will be able to catch myself when I start making excuses for them. I'm so glad that a man wrote this book and it's coming from a male perspective, so I know it's trust worthy. At 29 years I actually feel more confident to start dating know I have a reference point in how to navigate it all.

This book was mostly just hilarious to listen to on my long commute home from work - it's definitely written with a humorous tone, which beats sitting in my car and inner-monologuing about road rage. Ultimately, the argument is oftentimes overly-simplistic, not founded on any real science and repetitive, but I do agree with the general premise. If he's not making an effort to see you regularly or be with you, he's just not that into you - period. Not a hard concept and many of us as women want something to work out so badly that we will drum up excuses instead of listening to our gut. I do think that there are occasions when this simple axiom isn't the answer/solution to the problem - but I also think a gut check will help sort that out. Still, a good read for young women who are just starting to enter the dating world and could use a crash course in how to not settle for d-bags - wish I had read this in my twenties.

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